Ugh … subject … These competitions, I tell ya! Y’know, that one’s alright, though! Ughhhhh, but that one … Ah, husband, the majority of them plays are SHIT! Oh … That reminded everyone … I’ll be right back! Aladdin ?! What the fucking ?! Aladdin … took an upper-decker in my bathroom! Aladdin …! … took an upper-decker! Ugh … the Aladdin Deck Enhancer. What the hell does this thing do? It intensifies your deck? Does it give me a brand-new Char-Broil grill? Some new patio furniture or somethin ‘? Ahhh! “Upgrade your Nintendo Entertainment System”? Wow! Truly? “Designed by the founders of Game Genie” ?! That thing that helps ya chisel, and enter different forms of crazy codes? The Game Genie was awesome! So, I speculation this thing is likely to be pretty cool! “6 4K memory upgrade for better graphics, bigger games”? Neat! “Aladdin is the future in console gameplay! ” Okay, let’s see it “upgrade” my NES games! Maybe it’ll make shitty activities, and turn’ em into good competitions! Huh? It doesn’t fit.
Oh, I hear. It has its own special cartridges. Search at that “EXTENSIVE” library! … of six recreations. Plus its own pack-in title, Dizzy the Adventurer. If exclusively I had those special Aladdin deck plays. Aladdin: Did somebody say “Aladdin”? AVGN: Oh, are these all the games here? Aladdin: Yes, Nerd! It’s a WHOLE new world of gaming! AVGN: I’ll present you a whole new world … … Of PAIN! Alright. Oh, y’know what? That fucker didn’t gives people Micro Machines.
Hmm … I’ll precisely buy it on the Internet. Alriiiight! Let’s see . … Wait a time. This isn’t Micro Machines for the Aladdin Deck Enhancer! This is a Micro Machines thermos made by some corporation called … “Aladdin”! And it’s dirty. Genie: Oh man, bein’ cooped up in a thermos for twenty years REALLY toughens the braces! Experience to elongate! AVGN: Okay, firstly Aladdin upper-decks my lavatory , now a genie comes out of a Thermos. This review’s gettin’ pretty fucky. Genie: Since you freed me, I’m gonna grant you some wants, Nerd! AVGN: Huh! Well, I predict I wish for … … a imitate of Micro Machines on the Aladdin Deck Enhancer! Genie: You got it, chum! One Micro Machine for the Deck Enhancer, comin’ liberty up! AVGN: Wow, thanks! That’s actually, uh, a pretty lame wish I just made. Genie: So, what’s your second please? AVGN: Oh, neat! I get more? Genie: Yup! You get three bids, hombre! AVGN: Good! Alright … … well, then I wish for you to go swimming in a SEPTIC TANK! Genie: You went i– … Wait, what? AVGN: Yeah! You heard me.
A sewage skinny dip in “the worlds largest” foul, disgusting, jam-packed septic tank that you could possibly find! Genie: Dang, that’s messed up. Well, now “theres going”. Oh yeah, and if he comes back I’m comin’ up with somethin’ even better for my third wish. Anyway, let’s play the games. First, let’s start with the pack-in sport: Dizzy the Adventurer. So, the first thing you gotta do: You make the cartridge, you implant it into the Enhancer like this — mmph! Yeah! That is just…
Mmh! Somethin’ about that … … that’s just so slake, ya know? That’s some good — mmh! — cartridge insert there. Alright, let’s get on with the game. Aah! What the fucking ?! That roughly killed me! I guess my Top Loader made one too many bad tournaments. Well , no worries — I have some alternatives. Well, I tried every organisation I own that frisks NES games — none of it wreaks. So, again, it’s time to consult the Internet. Norman: “So, let’s take a look at the Aladdin Deck Enhancer! ” AVGN: Wait a time — “hes having” TWO of’ em? Nothing has two! Who would own numerous copies of something that shitty? Norman: “If you try to use it on a Top Loader, it could potentially fry your system.” “It also needs–” Well, learned that the hard way.
So, it doesn’t work in ANYTHING, except the original NES. Hang on … Okay … so I tried ALL THREE of my original NES mannequins. First one — didn’t work. Second one — didn’t work. And the third one? Competition: “Let’s play Dizzy! ” It succeeds! Alright! Time to play! “Dizzy and Daisy were treading through the woods searching for Pogie, their domesticated fluffle”? What’s a fluffle? They inadvertently stumble onto the evil wizard Zak’s castle, when Daisy gets a spell put on her and falls into an incessant supernatural sleep. And now, it’s up to Dizzy to save her. Game: “Let’s play Dizzy! ” AVGN: Okay, the game starts you off in this cave with a few parts and a locked entrance. Grab the items and use them to get outta the room. You burn the accumulation of straw with the parallel, you propel some irrigate on there … Uh … okay …? So I guess don’t get TOO close. Oh, “re coming in”! Alright. Competition: “Let’s play Dizzy! ” AVGN: Okay, I feel a little better now.
Alright, let’s try to get by the first screen. So you get outta the cave and walk around, you find an part, you talk to a person, and you use the item. It’s an interesting game, but ehh … kinda boring. Now, the one thing I’m really confused about here … … this doesn’t ogle better than good than a regular NES game! Didn’t they say that this was gonna “upgrade” it? In what style is THIS ameliorating my NES? It didn’t work in most of them — even destroyed one! Ya know what? Is it at all possible …
Just perhaps … … I’ve been lied to? So yeah, Dizzy’s pretty bland. Like a hard-boiled egg, which is now being EGG-xactly what it is! … yeah, sorry. On to the next play. Next, we have “The Fantastic Adventures of Dizzy”! Oh ho ho, I bet it’s fantastic. It’s a bit brighter than the last recreation: It has more colorful graphics, but the gameplay is worse in some parts. This time he doesn’t die in one hit at the least, but he’s still just as pathetic. Employing pieces here is not as easy as in the first one. You have to make sure you pick them up in the right order, otherwise you drop them. I have no idea what to do, and I don’t care to find out! These games are irredeemably accepting. I convey, after all — it’s an EGG solving puzzles.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men … … couldn’t get their FUCKIN’ SHIT PUT TOGETHER! Next recreation. Uh … uh-huh. “Big Nose Freaks Out”. Holy shit! You represent as Big Nose the Caveman, slippin’ and slidin’ all over a creepy, shitty, putrid mess of HORRID graphics. The play kinda would seem to be a mix between Sonic the Hedgehog and Adventure Island, but with all the enjoyable taken out. You bounce on sprouts and collect bones. You can get a rock-ball, or whatever it is, to shoot at adversaries. Without it, you have a organization that’s damn near useless: You have to be extremely close to an antagonist to touch them, so the majority of cases, you just take a hit and die.
Oh, and the seem? Ugh! It’s like an Atari game, or Mega Man on DOS. I do like this intro, though, with the “Savings and Bones” bank! Pretty good pun, but they fuck it up with “Bones’ R’ Us”! That’s not even clever! Hope they went out of business, too! Next “were having” “Linus Spacehead’s Cosmic Crusade”. It starts off like a point-and-click, then it goes to basic platforming with some of the worst possible assures. Linus moves as sluggish as duck shit, and twice as slippery. Trust me, duck shit’s slick. Formerly Linus jump-starts, you’d better be okay with where he’s goin ‘, because you can’t verified him after he leaves the foot. No mid-air steering! You know, like…
Mario? Too, he dies in one slam. So if I’m not jumpin’ off cliffs, I’m jumpin’ into antagonists. Either lane, I die. Linus Spacehead. More like Linus Shithead! Here, we have “Quattro Adventure” and “Quattro Sports”. Each contain four different tournaments — for four times the suckage. Let’s began with Quattro Sports — and the first sport on now? “Baseball”. Hitting feels okay, but the ball moves REALLY slow! Oh, and pitching and fielding — those are even worse! I can’t figure out how to throw different tars, and the players on the field take forever to get to the bullet. They only casually stroll around like they don’t give a fuck! Yea — my advice? If you’re a baseball supporter, comedy ANY OTHER NES baseball game. Any of’ em.
Next is “BMX Simulator” — more like Crashing And Falling Simulator! I can’t stay on the bike for more than eight seconds! The control’s about as shitty as that movie, Rad BMX. “Soccer Simulator”. For those who want a rage headache and motion sickness with their soccer games. The tournament ever switches your ascendancy to the musician closest to the dance, which should make sense, but every time it switches, I’m not ready, and end up moving all over the place! The soccer projectile looks like a pepperoni pizza, too.
Three sucky Quattro Sports activities down, and one more to travel. “Pro Tennis”. Wooow, look at this deranged buster. Maybe he REALLY likes tennis. The recreation strays from representing like ass to frisking like shitty ass. The act seems to do whatever it requires. The window to hit is so accurate, and seems to change whenever it feels like it. Sometimes I can get it, and even ace the computer, but most of the time I fault. You see where you hit with the D-Pad, but sometimes when I’m trying to propose the missile, I end up missing because I rolled past it. Oh well! So, “Quattro Adventure”! Four more shitty activities, let’s go! Great, Quattro Adventure includes more Dizzy and Linus Shithead. Ugh … “Treasure Island Dizzy” is obviously the worst one so far. It’s gradual and choppy, and once again, Dizzy dies from everything.
The worst are these extinction captures that just come outta nowhere and kill you with one reach. How is that bazaar? A enclosure that wasn’t even on screen killed me? How, the inferno, is anyone supposed to avoid that? I attest, this recreation was made to piss beings off, and utter them get buyer’s sorrow. Seem at this: I try to get the money that’s in shallow water, but Dizzy dies. This is a beginner’s trap if I’ve ever seen one! What kind of video game character can’t tread water that’s just above their ability? Could you envisage goin’ to a pool or somethin’ and the second your brain leads underwater, “youre dying”? Instantly? So fuck this tournament, and fuck Dizzy! Linus Shithead. Again. Ah, I watch. The other game, Linus Cosmic Crusade, was actually the second largest activity. This is the first. So forgive me for scrutinizing them out of tell. If ya caution. The first height is an underwater level — oh boy, if “youre ever” Dizzy, you would’ve started the different levels as a body! You ride bubbles to the top, but watch out, they sounds, and have a absolutely random pattern.
And you have limited time available! If you’re not fast enough, Linus drowns! Even when you are get to the top, he still loses oxygen! Is he so stupid he exactly FORGETS to stop impounding his sigh ?! The next level has killer coconuts everywhere. Linus has the same shit restraints as the other, so I precisely die. Fuckin’ Linus! “Boomerang Kid”! Ugh, the beginning indicates this stupid character.
“DUUUHH! ” There’s a bit movie thing playing at the bottom. Boomerang Kid hurls a boomerang and clobbers himself. Then he gets hassled by a kangaroo. When the INTRO shows the primary attribute being bothered by a kangaroo and clobbering himself with a boomerang, you KNOW it’s gonna be some FUCK! You run around and muster boomerangs. You can’t assault, and die in one smack. That’s all! There’s nothing else to say. And the last Quattro Adventure activity: “Super Robin Hood”. You run around, compiling keys, hoard, and opening doors. Robin Hood has this goofy smile all the time.
It’s gradual and monotonous, like every other recreation still further. And remember — this isn’t just Robin hood, this is SUPER Robin Hood! More like POOPER Robin Hood! One funny thing, though — when you die, you explode into hearts. Robin Hood. Explodes into hearts. Yeah. Well, all these Aladdin plays have sucked so far, but I’m hoping, I saved the most wonderful for last! Micro Machines. Micro Machines! Micro Machines! Feel the shitty ability, feel the suck-ass dual resistance! The graphics are shit, the tone is shit, it fucks you in the eyes, it fucks you in the ears, it suckin’ fucks, it fuckin’ sucks, it fuckin’ setbacks, it’s a piece of shit … It’s actually not that bad. Micro Machine is a reasonable deviation from the awful, disgusting grasp of the Aladdin Deck Enhancer, suggestive of other racing wins, resembling R.C. Pro-Am and Super Off Road. It’s a revolutionary, wretched recreational racing regalement introduced into you by the great and glorious Galoob! Race your miniscule process on a myriad of phenomenal micro marathons! Choose from a cavalcade of inventive and cogent reputations and compile a crowded congregation of conveyances to put in your automobile carrier! All in all, an acceptable, adequate addition to the American anthology of Nintendo-associated amusements.
But there’s one little problem. This recreation seems VERY familiar. I know I’ve dallied it before, but not on the Deck Enhancer. I’m pretty sure I own this on NES! I knew it! Micro Machines! It’s one of those weird-ass gold go-carts. Those third-party unlicensed names from the unholy alignment of Camerica and Codemasters. They’re distinguished by those strange switches on the back. The permutations have two positions: A and B. What are they for? Hm … “Position B. Exclusively use its own position if video games does not work with caste A.” I-I guess this really confused the shit outta any kids unfortunate sufficient to own one of these fecal frisbees! But the REAL purpose was to bypass the NES lockout chip, which worked differently is dependent on which model NES you’re using, hence the need for the swap. They could’ve just said, “To hack the lockout microchip, use A or B. Pssst! Don’t tell Nintendo.” But the games can’t be EXACTLY the same, right? 64 K memory upgrade! Better graphics! Bigger competitions! Norman: “But, this is all just market hype.” “The Aladdin Deck Enhancer is no different than a standard Camerica cartridge.” “Inside the box is the Deck Enhancer with instructions, ” “along with a Dizzy the Adventurer cartridge, and a sign manual for the game.” “Believe it or not–” FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! The competitions are EXACTLY the same! There’s NO DIFFERENCE! The Deck Enhancer is an add-on that lends Nothing! They sold you the same tournaments with some meeting required.
It would be like going a brand-new sprayer for your plot hose, but it doesn’t fit, unless you get some special adapter. So you buy the adapter, but the sprayer STILL doesn’t fit! So now, you have to find a totally different sprayer that simply exists in special places, and THEN, you find out it runs the same as the old sprayer, doing best available profession washing away the horse shit! Actually, there WAS some role, theoretically. It was meant to reduce costs. The Deck Enhancer contains most of the necessary microchips that make a regular NES game task, so the Aladdin plays could be smaller and cheaper. The attitude was that you’d invest in a Deck Enhancer, and then build up your collecting for a low price.
Well , no thank you very much, I think I’ll precisely stick to my regular, third-party, unlicensed, shitty Camerica games. Oh! But of course, there was that one exclusive sport, Dizzy the Adventurer! Does that one make it worth it? No. It doesn’t. That carton is a prime example of fraudulent marketing! “Upgrade your Nintendo Entertainment System” ?! More like upper-decking it! And that’s not a joke. I intend it. It is the electronic equivalent of an upper-decker. With the Aladdin, the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the floor. In the same lane, the turds, which typically was in favour of territory in the toilet container, are instead dropped into the upper barrel. Therefore, when the lavatory is flushed, the bowl fills with shit sea, and after that, it’s the shit that keeps on returning. Would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet? Well, give it a try, and you’ll know EXACTLY what the Aladdin does to your NES! Why does the box say “Aladdin is the future in console gameplay”? The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were already out! That’s like “re saying you” devised a brand new vehicle that’s got new safety features and uses clean-living exertion, but it’s got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal! This thing had no future at all! All the “Coming Soon” tournaments were cancelled, and Camerica went out of business right after this thing was…
…released? They went out of business right after it was ANNOUNCED !!! I–it was a death sentence! A doom! A scourge that shrouds its liberation status in all-consuming puzzle! Not even the Gaming Historian discovered any clear proof that it ever went officially released! I symbolize, sure, it came made an–and detected thanks to stock-take liquidators and eBay, bu–but if this thing never officially came out, then is not merely did it not have any future … … it didn’t have any past, either! How am I supposed to make you back to the past, when there’s no fucking past ?! I have no business complaining about something that didn’t even come out! I wasted my gulp! Why did I have to find this thing ?! Aahh, I might as well merely be diggin’ into the Devil’s asshole! Fuck! Genie: Hey, I’m back. AVGN: What are you doin’ back here? Genie: Appear, person, I’m just now to concede you your last-place wish so I can get outta here. AVGN: Oh yeah, that’s right, I get one more wish. Okay! Well, for my last wish … I wish … … ya know, I think we’ve both suffered enough.
Yeah, so … I bid … every Aladdin Deck Enhancer — on the whole planet World ….. will fucking explode. Genie: You got it, dude! Smell ya subsequently! Rerez: Oof! JLuv8 1: Shit! Rocco: What the fucking ?! Pam: What the fuck? John: … the Aladdin Deck Enhancer, we’ll try … — HOLY BALLS! John: … the Aladdin Deck Enhancer, we’ll try … — HOLY BALLS! Bobdunga: Omigod! Shawn: Ow! … What the Hell just happened ?! Candi: What the hell ?! Game Dave: Not my Aladdin Deck Enhancer accumulation! Riff: Well, wasn’t too bad! Whoo! Yeaah ….
As found on Youtube